Sunday, January 20, 2008

A Clearer Perception

One thing my recovery depends upon is my daily realization that many of my usual ways of thinking are flawed. Recovery, to me, must be an onward march towards perfection of thought and action. I know that I will never be perfect, it is a goal only. While I was using, I was deluded with the idea that I could become perfect. The failed attempts to do everything perfectly was just another reason to beat myself up and to prove to myself that I was a failure. I had become comfortable with failure. Whatever accomplishments I did achieve, I usually did something to sabotage. It got to the point that whenever I was making some kind of progress in my life, I started feeling uncomfortable and subconsciously or conscientiously began doing things which would get me back in trouble. My addiction used these failures as proof that I was not good enough or good at all. Those were the feelings that I was used to. Success made me feel uncomfortable because it caused me to have feelings which I was not used to. Today I have a clearer perception of myself. I am just another human being whose life is fragile and uncertain. But today, by trying to do the right thing, I reap the rewards of serenity and peace. Feelings of guilt are painful and hard to bear. They block out the serenity I depend upon to live my life as a happy person. My old ways of thinking and of perceiving reality lead to flawed choices and actions. I am happier now than at any time during my using past. I must watch daily for my old thinking patterns and recognize them for what they are. They are just delusions of an addict. I can do the right thing most of the time if I remember my place in the world as just another human being trying to do the next right thing. I am no better and no worse than anyone else. I have become comfortable with this realization. It is another source of serenity. I am not God and I have no control over people, places and things. The only control I have is self-control and it must start with my negative thoughts and perceptions. It is no longer me against the world. It is me against my old self. I can and will win many battles against my old ways of thinking, but I will never win the war. I am not perfect and never will be. Life is a journey. It has become a happy one thanks to my sobriety and my new, more positive ways of perceiving the world around me. I wish you all the love and happiness that an addict can experience. It begins with sobriety one day at a time. It takes a changing of perception and anyone can do it.


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