A Clearer Perception

One thing my recovery depends upon is my daily realization that many of my usual ways of thinking are flawed. Recovery, to me, must be an onward march towards perfection of thought and action. I know that I will never be perfect, it is a goal only. While I was using, I was deluded with the idea that I could become perfect. The failed attempts to do everything perfectly was just another reason to beat myself up and to prove to myself that I was a failure. I had become comfortable with failure. Whatever accomplishments I did achieve, I usually did something to sabotage. It got to the point that whenever I was making some kind of progress in my life, I started feeling uncomfortable and subconsciously or conscientiously began doing things which would get me back in trouble. My addiction used these failures as proof that I was not good enough or good at all. Those were the feelings that I was used to. Success made me feel uncomfortable because it caused me to have feelings which I was not used to. Today I have a clearer perception of myself. I am just another human being whose life is fragile and uncertain. But today, by trying to do the right thing, I reap the rewards of serenity and peace. Feelings of guilt are painful and hard to bear. They block out the serenity I depend upon to live my life as a happy person. My old ways of thinking and of perceiving reality lead to flawed choices and actions. I am happier now than at any time during my using past. I must watch daily for my old thinking patterns and recognize them for what they are. They are just delusions of an addict. I can do the right thing most of the time if I remember my place in the world as just another human being trying to do the next right thing. I am no better and no worse than anyone else. I have become comfortable with this realization. It is another source of serenity. I am not God and I have no control over people, places and things. The only control I have is self-control and it must start with my negative thoughts and perceptions. It is no longer me against the world. It is me against my old self. I can and will win many battles against my old ways of thinking, but I will never win the war. I am not perfect and never will be. Life is a journey. It has become a happy one thanks to my sobriety and my new, more positive ways of perceiving the world around me. I wish you all the love and happiness that an addict can experience. It begins with sobriety one day at a time. It takes a changing of perception and anyone can do it.

Drug Rehab-A Personal Account

My personal experience with drug rehab was not a success. I had gone to the local hospital seeking help for my problem. I was having quite a problem with a GHB. I had gotten to the point where I needed to take this stuff about every two hours or I would begin to experience withdrawal symptoms. I had maintained my GHB level for about a year and a half. During this time I would bounce from overdose to overdose. I was amazingly still holding down a job, but I was thoroughly exhausted. The hospital had no experience with this drug, but I was admitted anyway. I don't remember much about my early detox. I was hallucinating and psychotic for about three days. When I finally became coherent, I started attending the rehab program. I was serious about getting off drugs and staying clean, but I was not totally beat by drugs and alcohol because in my mind, I still had the idea that somehow I was different from the other people in rehab. I learned a lot in the program and became friends with most of my fellow addicts. Despite having gained much knowledge about addiction and about myself, when I was finally discharged I only stayed clean for about a week. What caused my relapse? Many things. I learned about triggers in rehab, but once I was back in my old environment, I was overwhelmed by them. My house was filled with memories of using. There was one particular room where I had done most of my using. It almost seemed haunted. I felt very uncomfortable every time I had to be in there and I avoided that room as much as possible. There were many people and places that I could not avoid. It was too much for me and I fell right back into my old patterns of thinking and then the obsession returned. For me, I know now that I could never have stayed clean in that environment. How much of it needed to be different? I honestly don't know. There was too much for me to cope with in those old surroundings and old ways of thinking cannot be changed in 30 days. I had drank and drugged for 20 years. During that time I had put a lot of effort into getting high. I will need to put a lot of effort into my recovery. Getting high had it's rewards. Recovery has it's rewards as well. I needed to get to the point where I could experience the rewards of sobriety on a daily basis because I got high on a daily basis for so long. There are many rewards that sober living gives to me which active addiction never could. Too many to list. One very big difference for me is that the load of guilt I used to carry around is now gone. I have found true happiness and peace. It is more than I had ever hoped for or thought that I deserved. We all deserve to feel this way. You can too. There is hope for all of us. Seek and you will find it. It can be found among others in recovery.

Instant Update

Wow. I just found out that my cousin was stabbed to death last night. He was only 30 years old, but had a troubled life. Perhaps this ending to His life will be a wake-up call to His older brother. I, myself, was once on this same road to hell. But by a miracle, not of my own making, was I saved from that lonely end. Drugs and alcohol had been my only source of relief for most of my life, but became my prison as well. For those who do not understand addiction, I would describe it to you. Imagine yourself lost in a vast forest or jungle. You are feeling overcome with the fear of never finding your way home. You have walked a long way and are exhausted mentally and physically. You stop to rest. As you ponder your situation, you remember the last time you felt any happiness or hope. It was the last time you got high. You were sure you had found the way out, but when the high was gone, your hope and happiness was gone too. So onward you trekked, driven by your innate will to survive. Until you needed to rest, so here you are resting. Your thoughts keep returning to that last good feeling. After a while, you can resist the urge no more. Your own mind has somehow convinced you, once again, that you will find your way if only you are high again. You have rationalized all past misdeeds and anything else your conscience can through your way till only the guilt and remorse remain when remembering the past. Your addiction uses this as a bludgeon, to beat you into submission. You are exhausted and reach for the only relief you know. Escape into the "high". But every subsequent high brings only shorter periods of happiness and hope. When your high is gone, you realize that you have been only walking in circles, going nowhere. You pick yourself up, more exhausted than before and travel on again until the time comes when you must rest again. The inevitable happens. You are an addict and you do what addicts do. You reach for the only escape that you know, even if it is only temporary. You are so tired and there is no end in sight except one. You are truly lost. It is, you believe, your fate. So you end up doing anything and everything to get your relief and make sure it is available when you need it. These actions only add to your remorse and guilt. It is a downward spiral. There is no hope and rest will only come at the very end. I hope this will give non-addicts some understanding of what it feels like on the inside of active addiction. To those still actively addicted, you now know that there is a way out. You can find the way just as I have. If you do, it will be more than you had ever hoped for. I wish you all good luck and happiness. With Love....