Sunday, May 14, 2017

On the "Pity-pot"?

No posts for 5.5 years. I guess you could say I don't share much. I suppose this is my journal and I need to get some things out. Married life can sometimes be pretty tough. Especially when you are married to a fairly immature person. I had considered myself to be pretty immature and greatly lacking patience. But I have repeatedly found myself to be the one exercising the most patience with her as well as the kids. I always felt guilty about my lack of patience, and the way I "handled" life in general. That was one of the reasons I drank and drugged. If you are numb you usually don't overreact. Sertraline kind of did that for me. It was a great antidepressant for me for several years. I have recently gotten off it and have started on Remeron because of the side-effects. Lack of motivation to do anything around the house and sexual dis function. Being off the sertraline has been a little enlightening and a little discomforting. I am seriously considering divorce. Even on the sertraline there were a couple times when I shared with her my desire to commit suicide. These suicidal thoughts were brought on because of her constant belittling of me and speaking down to me no matter if we were alone or not. Even now it continues. I can see that she says what she probably believes are the most hurtful things she can think of. I have tried to actually look at some of these things to see if there was any truth to them. But when she says I am not a man, well, that is a little ridiculous. She never has a nice thing to say to me and I sometimes feel like we are in a bit of a competition. For what? Control of the relationship? I have told her many times this is supposed to be a 50-50 thing. Another thing that bothers me is that she has said many many times that she can do whatever she wants because she is the boss. She says these stupid things in front of the kids quite often. I am sometimes in wonder at her level of emotional maturity. I also think her upbringing is to blame for some of this. It is quite obvious she was a spoiled child. She plays that part with her mother and her brothers. They take it without uttering a word. When angry at me, she will not speak, nor discuss what is bothering her. That can go on for a couple days, then in the middle of the night she will want to fuck. I use the word fuck to describe it because I do not feel like it is making love. I would prefer we talk our differences out first. Today is another non-communicating day. I tried to get her to respond to a question, but got no answer. In frustration I asked her what her problem was. She then repeated everything I said back to me. Me: "What's your problem?" Her: "What's your problem?" Me: "I am getting tired of this" Her: "I am getting tired of this". Another exchange that slips my mind, then I said she was acting like our 8 year old daughter Leanna. How silly. Was she so angry that she couldn't think of what she wanted to say? I am wondering how much more of this I am willing to accept before I decide to get a divorce. I was looking at some sites online which had questionnaires for those thinking of divorce. Obviously I am in the minority being male, because so many of the questions were directed at women. Does he do this or does he do that? LOL. I may be an ass hat, but how can I face that when she won't even tell me what it was that upset her. She apparently holds onto that so that at a later time she can justify her demeaning behavior towards me. Maybe there is no rational reason. I am not a mind-reader. I have enough problems with my own head. Oh well. God is good. I will endure until I have to move on. As an adult with a clear conscience.


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